Lisa and Mike attended The Masquerade for the first time. They say it challenged beliefs they had about sex positive parties and taught them important lessons. They also go into sexy details.
Listen to the episode or read the transcript below:
Episode Transcript:
Lisa:
Go for it, Mike.
Mike:
I’m Mike. I’m a small business owner in southern California, and I love backpacking and DIY and food and cooking and gardening.
Lisa:
I’m Lisa, and I do administrative work for a large southern California based company. Like Mike, I also enjoy outdoor activities and making recipes and cooking and baking.
August (narration):
Mike and Lisa met through a dating app called KinkD, where you can connect with folks to explore your particular kinks with. They had both emerged from long term relationships that weren’t very satisfying and were enjoying “a very explorative moment” in their lives.
Mike:
It’s always a funny story, because in the beginning, Lisa told me, this is just going to be casual dating. You know, we’re just exploring all these kink elements.
Lisa:
And the reason for that was because I’d come out of a long term relationship, and I didn’t want to jump into anything afterwards.
The more I got to know Mike, the more I felt myself more invested in him. He did a really great job of making me feel seen and heard and creating a safe space for me to share my feelings. Whereas before I was used to being shamed and told how to feel.
I think that’s also another reason why I’ve been feeling more and more comfortable with exploring myself sexually. Because I am in a place where I am allowed to talk about the things that I’m interested in and express that I’m interested in, and it’s always met with curiosity versus shame.
August (narration):
Before long, their kink exploration became more, and they now consider each other primary partners. And their openness and ability to discuss their desires and explore together has evolved, too.
They delved into the swingers’ community early on and within two months of starting to date, they had their first swap with another couple—basically trading partners for a night of sex.
Mike:
–which really just was cathartic and ecstatic and like therapeutic and fun. We started talking about the idea of somewhere down the line hosting a sex party with more people. And that idea sort of simmered for a long time on the backburner.
August (narration):
Meanwhile, their network of people in the swinging community grew. And one day, one of Mike’s close friends told him about the Bocanegra Club, a private swingers club that hosts sexy, private masquerade parties. At first, Mike and Lisa weren’t too sure about it.
Mike:
Me and Lisa were both sort of skeptical of the idea of sex clubs, because we really enjoy authentic, meaningful connections with other people that we’re romantic with.
August (narration):
And a sex club sounded…impersonal and seedy.
Mike:
But we have this friend who was very enthusiastic about it, and we think very highly of her. And she convinced us to give it a try.
August (narration):
But the idea still didn’t exactly feel breezy to them. Leading up to the event, their inner butterflies were flapping wildly.
Lisa:
I was very nervous, because I’ve never pushed myself outside of my comfort zone to that extent before, going to a random house with a bunch of strangers. And in my head I was like, I’m gonna see some strangers having sex today. And that’s gonna be the norm. [soft laugh]
I was also very stressed out as far as what I was going to wear. In my mind, I wanted to wear a cocktail dress, because I had no intention of really engaging too much. I wanted to be more of an observer. And I was happy to watch Mike interact with his friend that also went with us and also see him engage with others as well. And yeah, when I couldn’t really find a cocktail dress, I started freaking out.
And I was talking to Mike and I told him, “I can’t really find anything. I might just have to wear lingerie because I know that it’s gonna fit me and it’s gonna look good.” And he was just like, “Yeah, that’s totally fine. There’s gonna be other women there that are probably not going to be wearing anything.” [soft laugh]
So, yes, as much as that was a very overwhelming thought for me, I eventually was, you know, came to terms with okay, I’m going to wear lingerie, and I’ll wear a robe. And yes, it’ll be a little revealing but I’ll have something to cover me to kind of make me feel a bit more at ease.
August (narration):
Lisa went with a bustier.
Lisa:
You know, you have the cups, but then there’s like a little bit of fabric right below so essentially like a corset but shorter. I also wore some underwear that weren’t too revealing but had a fun little crisscross pattern in the back, and it was an emerald green. I wanted to pick something else other than black and red, to I guess feel a little bit more sexy and stand out a little bit more.
August (narration):
The dress code at Bocanegra Club for men is either a suit or a tux. Mike chose a suit, and bought a special masquerade mask to wear with it.
The night of the event at the club arrived and the butterflies were still swirling.
Lisa:
Going up to the house, actually, to check in I was very, very nervous. And to the point where I was like shaking and Mike was checking in with me and, you know, trying to be there for me to calm me down.
Mike:
I was very nervous as well. And I was also shaking. I think it was nervousness around being in a totally different type of context for exploration of sex. We’ve done a lot of exploration one on one. We’ve done a lot of exploration in groups of four in home setting.
But I think the idea of going to an upscale masquerade in a very nice, very large home in Hollywood and there being 60 or 70 or maybe I don’t know how many people were there total in the end, maybe 100 people present. I’ve never done anything like that in my entire life.
Like I’m going in with a very sex positive and friendly attitude but am I going to be rejected? Am I going to try to engage with someone new, and am I going to be rejected from that? The fear of is this going to be my place? Are these going to be my people? I think there was a possibility that we were going to show up there, and we were going to say, “Whoa, this is not our scene.”
August (narration):
Spoiler: it totally was their scene.
Lisa:
But yeah, once we got through the check-in process and the coat check-in and everything like that, I started to ease into it a bit, and we had a bit of wine and that kind of helped calm my nerves, and I was able to relax a bit and actually enjoy just being in a space with people that felt the same way, in a sense, you know, some nervousness and anxiousness, but also a sense of excitement, to be at a party that was very sexy and open minded and very low pressure.
August (narration):
For all intents and purposes, they said, the event felt like a normal, upscale house party at first: security at the front door where you have to show your tickets, the coat check Lisa mentioned.
There were people lounging around outside the jacuzzi, dipping their feet in, people standing in couples or small groups on the backyard lawn, others walking around inside the house.
Mike:
So for the first segment of the evening, it was us walking around with our drinks, exploring the house and chatting with new people, which everyone there that we talked to was very friendly, and very sex-positive.
August (narration):
Lisa often leans on Mike to approach people, when going into group settings. She said she doesn’t feel like she’s great at approaching strangers and starting up conversations.
Lisa:
But as Mike mentioned, everybody there was pretty nice so it was very easy to just go up to someone and be like, “Hi! My name is so and so. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?” Kind of ask how they ended up there. Some people were just like, “Oh, yeah. My friend invited me this morning, and she was like, ‘Don’t worry. We got you on your mask, and we’re gonna go.’”
And for me it was very like eye opening, like Oh, my gosh. There are some people that just throw themselves into the deep end and they’re okay, with them and here they are. And they seem totally at ease and comfortable with where they are.
And so I was like, in my head, I was like, Oh, my gosh, I created all this anxiety for myself by just getting too in my head. And like, in some ways, like being a bit insecure like Mike was saying, Do I belong here?
But having someone like Mike there, and even our friend, it was easy to just kind of go into conversation to put my mind at ease and just get to know people on a personal level. I feel like at the end of the day if I could do that, then I would be okay.
Mike:
And after maybe about a half hour of drinks and chatting with people that we were meeting, we felt like we were ready to go back upstairs to the master bedroom and start getting ready to play, start getting ready to have sex.
August (narration):
So they went up to the master bedroom. When they toured the house earlier, no one was having sex anywhere. Now, in the bedroom, they came upon four people on the bed having sex [orgasm sound], and others standing nearby chatting, some watching others play.
Mike:
I remember distinctly there was a couple in the corner where a man was sitting in a chair, receiving a blowjob from a woman. [deep voice moaning] It was pretty easy sitting down on that bed and sort of like starting to have our own threesome, next to these other four people who were having sex.
Lisa:
Mike knew his friend and he had given me a bit of her backstory and what she was interested in. It was, like he had said, very easy for us to kind of just transition into engaging with each other and making out.
Mike:
And at a certain point I asked Lisa and our date, I sort of whispered into each of their ears, “You feel comfortable joining these other four people in an orgy?” Both of them said, “Yeah, I feel good about that.”
August (narration):
Mike turned to the four people and said, “Hey, how do you feel about joining us and having an orgy right now?”
Mike:
And they said, “Yeah! Let’s do it.” So we just sort of joined with them and melted into one big group. I think that was all of our, in our group of three, that was all of our first real official orgy.
And at that point, it was like all of the nervousness was out of the window.
We were in group sex mode, which is a headspace that we’re pretty familiar with at this point. We’re ready to have a good time, there’s no more inhibition.
Lisa:
I was taking a bit more of a backseat. I was good with kissing and touching and caressing.
I think just being on the bed with a bunch of strangers, I thought it would be funny to just like look over to the other guy, and I was like, “Hey, do you mind if I kiss you? Like, you look like a friendly guy.” [laughs] And then we just started kissing and making out. And what I really enjoyed about that was just how inviting everybody was and accepting everybody was.
Mike:
So that went on for a while. I know I came during that orgy. I hope that a lot of other people who are involved in that seven person orgy also came. It really started with a bang.
August (narration):
Mike and Lisa not only had an incredible time at the event, but they learned a great deal about themselves.
Mike:
One of the takeaways for me was breaking through this idea that I have a strong preference for intimacy with strictly with people that I’ve built rapport with. It’s hard for me to get aroused if I’m not with someone that I know to some extent and somewhat intimately and have some rapport with.
I think in a lot of ways I do love having those connections but what I really discovered at this party for myself, like in that first orgy experience—you know, getting one of the best blow jobs in my life from a woman that I don’t know her name. I didn’t catch her name. And she swallowed my cum like and it was a really wonderful sexual moment.
And I realized from that experience and numerous other experiences throughout that evening, Oh, I have this sexual side of myself that I didn’t realize that it was there. That I can connect sexually, in a very different way with someone, than I thought was one of the only ways that I could connect sexually with people. So that was very eye opening for me, like opening up a whole new layer of sexuality at this moment in my life.
Lisa:
One thing that I really enjoyed was just connecting with people that think similarly and have similar mindsets because I feel like the more authentic we are, the easier it is for us as human beings to connect. And that’s something that I’ve been focusing on a lot this past year is just making genuine, authentic connections without putting any pressure or expectations on those connections. When I do that, I gain a lot more from meeting people.
Just being in this setting where there’s just no judgment, it’s easy to just kind of strike up conversations with people and you can walk away with making a new connection that you might not have necessarily made had you not attended something like this.
So for me, it was a testament to remind myself if I ever feel anxious about attending an event like this again, or maybe stepping out of my comfort zone, is just kind of looking at this experience and being able to remind myself of how fulfilling it was.
Another thing that I took away was that I really enjoy being flogged. [soft laugh] And I’m not particularly one to like to draw attention to myself. But there was one instant in the evening where Mike’s friend who had invited us to this event was flogging others. And I turned to his friend and I was just like, “Hey, do you want to go up there and get flogged with me?” And she was totally up for it.
I think when I was in that moment I kind of forgot about everybody else that was at that party, and I was just enjoying that experience for what it was.
Mike:
You’ve got to really build that picture. [Lisa laughs] You were the center of attention of the whole party, I would say, for that.
August (narration):
He said that everyone in the backyard watched as Lisa took that flogging.
Lisa:
Yeah. And it was weird because I didn’t feel that.
August (narration):
She said it felt like her own private moment, which is sort of analogous to the whole party experience for Lisa. Her nervousness fell away as her authentic desires and connections set in. [soft voice sighing/moaning]
With the world opening up more and vaccinations increasing, some folks are setting their sights on new sexual adventures.
If you’re among them and considering going to a sex party for the first time at some point, Mike said his top advice is to go in with zero expectations.
Mike:
I didn’t have any expectations, per se, going in but I did have hopes. But I think going into experiences like that having no expectations. So just saying I’m going to go there, and I’m going to see what it’s like. I might even show up, and I might not feel comfortable there in the first half hour. And that’s okay, if I just want to leave after that.
August (narration):
He also recommends having a conversation about that with whoever you plan to attend with—assuring each other that you can all choose to stay, or leave at any time. At the same time, he suggests staying open to and discussing any particular desires you might have.
Mike:
-thinking about what kind of fantasy do I have, and I want to be open minded to that fantasy becoming a reality in this particular setting.
You’ve talked out: what are you open to this evening? Are you open to playing with other people? Are you open to helping me fulfill this particular fantasy? Do you have a particular fantasy that you would like to fulfill if it’s possible and just being able to support each other and have sort of like a roadmap of where you would like the evening to go.
August (narration):
Lisa shared similar advice, with a focus on you being in the driver’s seat for your own experience.
Lisa:
Know that it’s okay to not engage at all. If you want to just be out on the lawn by the jacuzzi, dipping your feet and sipping on a cocktail or some wine then, more power to you, if you just want to enjoy the conversation with people.
And then you get to decide your level of comfort, if you want to go inside to engage or watch. Just allowing yourself to push yourself out of your comfort zone, at your own pace, is what I would recommend and suggest.
A lot of hesitation that both Mike and I have heard was like, “Oh, I’m not ready or I’m very shy. And that’s a bit much for me.” And it was definitely a bit much for me, a soft spoken lady. [chuckles]
I feel like society tells us that we can’t be those sexual beings and stuff like that. So maybe like that’s kind of what’s holding some people back is this shame-based feeling.
But yeah, you just kind of sometimes got to rip the band aid off and push yourself a little bit and get your toes wet in that environment. But you are the driver and you get to decide how much or how little you want to engage.
August (narration):
Both Mike and Lisa emphasized how low-pressure the party was, and how pleased they were with how respectful everyone was around communication and consent. And there was nothing remotely seedy about the experience. They felt safe enough to let loose and have a great time.
Interested in joining The Masquerade? Apply for membership